?What is wrong with me
As you know one of my favorite authors is Elizabeth Gilbert who wrote “Eat Prey Love”, her personal journey of self discovery, love & relationships. She describes her friend the psychologist, who was asked to offer counselling to Cambodian refugees, & who was daunted by this task of trying to help people who had suffered harrowing events in their lives. She was then surprised that all they wanted to talk about were their relationships.
Relationships bring us the most joy, happiness, but also the most pain & heartbreak. They are the gateway to personal & spiritual growth as we learn not only about human nature but also about what makes us who we are today. However these experiences not only hold positive memories to cherish but painful emotional triggers that shape how we see ourselves today.
Codependency is arguably one of the biggest challenges we face in relationships. It creates low self worth & a belief system that allows you to believe that you can’t live without another person. The need for validation to feel happy, content or even complete. You may even believe that if you can solve your partner’s problems or change in someway they may love you more.
If you identify with any of these questions & are asking yourself what’s wrong with me? The first thing to know is that you is not alone. These areas of your life can change & you don’t have to feel this way.
These thoughts may be deep rooted & you may never remember a time when you didn’t feel this way.
- If I could only find the right partner then this loneliness & depression would pass.
- Why can’t I be happy?
- I fear rejection so will not even consider a relationship.
- Why do I put everyone else first?
- Why do I compare myself to others? If only I could be…. (thinner, more intelligent)
- I just don’t feel good enough?
- I constantly worry about life?
- I can’t be in another relationship as it causes too much pain?
- I don’t feel worthy & life is too difficult?
- I don’t trust my own views & opinions.
These behaviors or thoughts can be identified in many forms one of which is Co dependency. However we describe these behaviors, they are reversible & life can be better.
The first steps include
Understanding where these beliefs/ thoughts come from & the impact they have.
The more we learn about ourselves the better life becomes. We can start to challenge these beliefs & at times they can be traced back to childhood. Our surroundings & experiences shape who we are, so when a person is unable to develop their own self worth or learn how to deal with their emotions it causes this imbalance & a distorted view of who they are.
It is this learnt behaviour that then measures self worth & prevents our own happiness. Perhaps solving your partner’s problems, or trying to do the right thing is the only way to ensure that your partner will never leave you. Ultimately you believe that if you voice your opinions or speak your mind you will become unlikeable or unlovable in some way.
These behaviors cause a person to focus all their attention & energy onto another, creating anxiety, tension & pain. By redressing this balance it creates focus back onto the self, which then regains perspective.
Correcting irrational thoughts
By taking a step back & observing why you react in this way allows you to see the actual situation for what it is, rather than distort the present with past emotional triggers & beliefs.
Once this is achieved new habits can be created to address the unbalanced emotions & irrational thoughts.
Start by building a relationship with yourself
However challenging this may be, with practice you can regain control & allow yourself to become more assertive. Start doing things you enjoy, set boundaries for yourself to create personal growth & have a healthy, happy & contented life.
As Oscar Wilde eloquently quotes “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
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